Lives of Style’s DatingSpeak ™ ©2015 addresses questions about dating, relationships and communication.
Our Lives of Style authority–Laura Pugliese, shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships.
Lives of Style: My husband and my step-son (who is 28) are really close but they haven’t really let me in to their club. I have been married only a few months and recently when we went on vacation my husband told his son that he could stay at our house without checking with me. I didn’t find out until I came home and saw that the guest bed was slept in. I bothered me but I don’t know if I should say anything because I don’t want to cross boundaries. What can I do or do I just do nothing?
Laura: It is fair to want to know ahead of time when someone is going to be staying over your house. If you don’t address it at all you risk carrying resentment towards your husband the next time he does it. You can say to your husband, “I want to talk to you about something that occurred recently because I realized we have not discussed. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, “It became apparent to me that someone stayed over in our house while we were away when I noticed that the guest bed appeared to have been slept in. I want you to know that I have absolutely no objections to you letting your kids stay at our home while we were away, but it did not feel good to me that I was not aware of it beforehand. What are your thoughts about us making an agreement that in the future if one of us is going to offer the house to anyone to stay in while we are away that we first let each other know the plan, so we both are informed of what going on ahead of time?”
Lives of Style: I had to have dental surgery and I told my husband that I needed him to take me to the dentist’s office and pick me up because I wasn’t allowed to drive. He did but when we got home he went out with his friends. We spoke about it later and he said that I was just going to sleep so he didn’t see what the big deal was. That did not feel good even though I did sleep the rest of the night. I might have to have another surgery and I don’t know if he can be my care giver. What can I say to him?
Laura: You asked your husband clearly to take you to the dentist and to pick you up, and he did both. You did not ask him to stay with you, so he did not know that you wanted him to do that. Everyone thinks differently, and he may be the type to be fine with being alone when he isn’t feeling well physically. It is always best to keep communicate clearly and thoroughly. Since you did not ask him to stay with you the last time I suggest sticking to the current request for the next time.
You can say, “Honey, I have something I want to ask you to do for me. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, “I was thinking about the dental surgery I have coming up on (insert date), and I want to ask you to stay with me to help me once I get home. I feel sensitive to being alone afterwards. What are your thoughts about doing that?”
Lives of Style: I was at a party last weekend with a bunch of my husband and my college friends. We’ve know each other for years and we are all very friendly. I found myself angry and jealous because my husband and one of our friend’s wives were dirty dancing. He saw my face and ran over to me laughing that we are all just having fun but it didn’t feel fun to me. He does this kind of thing every once in a while and I never know what to do. I just clam up and don’t feel like being intimate with him. What can I say?
Laura: You can say, “I want to talk with you about something that has been bothering me. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, “You have every right to do what you want, and I do not think you would intentionally do something to cause me pain. Having said that, I want to be honest and share with you that I felt tremendous discomfort when you were dirty dancing with (insert her name) at (insert which party). I want to talk with you about it because experiencing you dancing in such a manner with another woman turns me off to you, and I don’t want to risk repeatedly feeling that way because it’s damaging for our intimacy. I would not be comfortable dirty dancing with another man out of respect for you, and I want to ask you if we could make an agreement about keeping boundaries in consideration to each other when we dance with other people. What are your thoughts?”
Lives of Style: I tell my husband all the time to put down the toilet seat. He forgets a lot. I’m getting tired of nagging. What can I do?
Laura: For your own sake I suggest you do your best to accept the fact that you should expect to put the toilet seat down when you go to use the bathroom to avoid driving yourself crazy over it time and time again. Once you have accepted it, then approach him without high expectations and say, “Honey I want to talk with you about something that is bothering me. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say ,”Yes.” Then you can say, “I do not want to nag you about this, and logically I know that you are not deliberately leaving the toilet seat up to aggravate me. I want you to know that I will do my best to not let it get to me when you forget to put it down, and I would really appreciate your best efforts to remember because it feels very frustrating to me to fall in to the toilet because the seat is up. What are your thoughts?”
Lives of Style: I have been married for over ten years and I love my husband. I recently started a new job and one of my colleagues who is a man has asked me out to lunch. He knows I’m married and isn’t flirty. How can I keep it professional because I don’t want to have any office rumors swirling?
Laura: The best way to keep it professional and not have rumors floating around is to have a rule to only go out with colleagues to lunch with a minimum total of three people. This way it is not just you and a man.
While Laura may not be able to email each of you individually, she will answer select questions.
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