Lives of Style’s DatingSpeak ™ ©2014 addresses questions about dating, relationships and communication.
Our Lives of Style authority–Laura Pugliese, shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships.
We are proud to have Laura on our team!
Here are questions posed by our audience:
Lives of Style: I was kissing the new man I’m seeing and during our make out session he got a phone call, jumped up to get it and it was his mother and he kept talking to her. I was just sitting on the couch waiting. He spoke for about 10 minutes. It didn’t feel good. Is this just a momma’s boy and I should get out while I can or should I say something to him?
Laura: He may be a mommy’s boy and/or he may be like so many other people today who unconsciously respond to their phone no matter what the circumstances are. It could have been a buddy of his on the other line and he may have chatted with him also. Many people these days jump to answer their cell phones and respond to text messages without thinking until or unless it poses a problem. It’s always best to communicate with the other person first to give him the opportunity to know how you feel and choose to make a change. Since you didn’t say anything right after it happened wait until it happens again to be sure that it’s an ongoing issue. Then, right after he finishes his call you can say, “You have every right to answer your phone whenever you want to and talk for as long as you want, however I want to be honest and tell you that it really doesn’t feel good to me when you do that when we are in the middle of kissing and being close. What are your thoughts about us making a no phone agreement for certain times we are together?”
Lives of Style: My fiance and I both work. We just got engaged and are very excited to celebrate the holiday season. I need some help with planning our schedule. This weekend we have his friends Christmas party on Friday, his holiday work party on Saturday and now he wants to schedule another event with his parents on Sunday. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. What can I say to him?
Laura: The holiday season can definitely add layers of stress with the needs for extra shopping for gifts, holiday parties and gatherings with loved ones. Based on the fact that he is adding onto this already busy weekend while you are feeling overwhelmed; it appears to me that your fiancé is an extrovert, and you are an introvert. Extroverts can go from one activity or event to another without pause and without feeling overwhelmed because they get recharged by being around people. Introverts are the exact opposite. Although they may exhibit extroverted qualities and can be very engaging when they interact with people, they feel drained and require some downtime to recharge after being around people.
If you are feeling overwhelmed with so much packed into this one weekend it is a good idea to talk with your fiancé’. You can say “Honey, I want to talk to you about some concerns I am having about all of our plans this weekend. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes,” then you can say, “I want to do my best to be a good partner and be my best for all of the plans we have this weekend. I also want you to enjoy yourself as much as you want to. I feel overwhelmed because there is so much planned for this one weekend, and I don’t do well without some downtime in between. I understand that it is not overwhelming for you. I don’t want to become irritable while we are out because I am trying to be “on” so much, and I also want you to be able to enjoy spending as much time socially as you want to. What are your thoughts about the feelings I am sharing with you, and what do you think about us driving separately to the parties, so I could leave early to get proper rest to ensure that I feel well during all of the events this weekend?”
Lives of Style: My boyfriend just broke up with me and I am angry that he didn’t wait until after the holidays. I have so many events to go to and don’t have a date. Can I call ask him to go with me still?
Laura: You can certainly do that if you want to, but I don’t think it’s in your best interest to. Although it may feel uncomfortable to go to these events alone it would probably not feel good to go with someone who just ended their relationship with you. If there are any other men that you think you would like to spend some time with let them know you have an event and do not have a date, and see if one of them wants to go as your escort. Going alone to some of them could be a good thing, as you have the opportunity to meet new people. Don’t be afraid to move forward without this man. You are worth having someone who cherishes you and wants to be with you.
Lives of Style: I went to a party where everyone was drinking. I wasn’t because I was on medication so I felt a little out of the loop. However, my boyfriend got drunk and started flirting with another woman. He was rubbing her shoulders and was way too close to her. I walked over and he backed up a little. The next day I told him I didn’t feel good about it and he said, “it was nothing, I was just being friendly.” What can I say to him…I’m still in pain?
Laura: You are not alone in feeling this way. I think many women would feel very upset by that behavior. He truly may not be aware that it was anything. The problem is that you are talking to a sober person about his behavior when he was drunk. In his intoxicated mind he was not using rational thinking when he acted a bit too friendly with the other woman. In his sober mind he may not have a full recollection and he thinks that logically you should know it was nothing. I don’t think it is going to help at this time to keep going over this one incident. What I do think is important for you to do is to answer a few questions.
Do you think this was an isolated incident?
Does your boyfriend get drunk often?
When your boyfriend drinks does he usually exhibit behavior that is illegal, immoral, unethical or uncomfortable for you?
Does your boyfriend have a trustworthy record with how he treats you and how appropriate he engages with other women while he is drinking and also when he is not drinking?
If the answers to these questions show you a pattern that is positive, then do your best to let it go and move forward until or unless there is another issue that needs to be addressed. If these questions show you a pattern that is negative, then it is in your best interest to evaluate if this is a person with whom you want to move forward.
Lives of Style: I was out pre-shopping with my boyfriend and when I was trying on a dress he touched my tummy and said that the dress doesn’t look that good on me and makes my stomach look big. I’m not overweight and had just eaten lunch so I know I have nothing to worry about but it hurt my feelings. What can I say in the future?
Laura: Men and woman generally have a gap between what the man’s good intentions are when he makes such statements and how the comments are received and felt by the woman. He was most likely looking at it from a logical perspective and saw that the dress wasn’t fitting in a way that flattered you around your stomach and wanted you to know that information without any intention of saying that your stomach was ACTUALLY BIG. If a female friend said it she would say something like, “There’s something wrong with the way that dress is made because it’s too tight in your stomach. Don’t buy that stupid dress. Try something else that is made right!”
Keep his good intentions in mind when you speak with him. In the future you can say, “Honey, I know you have the best intentions and do not mean to say something that that hurts my feelings, but as a woman I feel very sensitive to hearing comments about my body looking big in any way, even though logically I know I’m not fat. I want to be honest and share that with you because I know it’s not something you could know without me telling you. What are your thoughts about letting me know in the future whether or not you like something with a simple, ‘I like that dress’ or ‘I don’t like that dress’ without adding comments about my body in order to avoid me having sensitive feelings?”
While Laura may not be able to email each of you individually, she will answer select questions.
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