Men and Women Smiling
Lives of Style’s DatingSpeak™©2015 addresses questions about dating, relationships and communication. We are audience-based and questions directed at us at LoS DatingSpeak™©2015 or our authorities may not appear due to limited space.
Lives of Style authority–Laura Pugliese, shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships.
Here are questions posed by our audience: 

Lives of Style: I have been asked out on a first date from a man who lives out of town. He asked me out for Thursday at 6:30pm. I don’t finish work until 7p and couldn’t meet him until 8p. I asked to see if he could do another day and he replied that he couldn’t because he was leaving town. What can I say because I am not on my “A Game” after a long day of work?

Laura: If you have an interest in this man, then I think you should do your best to meet him while he is in town. You could say to him, “Thank you for inviting me out. I want to say yes, but unfortunately I will still be at work at the time you suggested on Thursday. I would be able to meet you by 8pm on Thursday if you want to do that. What are your thoughts?”

Lives of Style: I just started seeing a man who lives in another city. I live in Malibu, CA and he lives in the Valley—about an hour away in traffic. He asked me to figure out a place for us to eat. I suggested three places and he said to choose. I don’t want to be a leader. What do I say to him? Do I make a reservation? Do I ask if he is delegating the choice to me?

Laura: He may be asking you to choose because he’s not familiar with the area and also wants to be sure you are comfortable. In order to let him know that you feel most comfortable following his lead you can say, “Thank you for delegating the restaurant choice to me. Respectfully, I suggested three places in response to your request, but I would feel most comfortable following your lead and respecting your decision as to which one you want to take me to. What are your thoughts?”

Lives of Style: I have been dating a man for three months and we have just been kissing. He does this thing where he starts kissing me and then stops and lies on the couch and looks at me as if he wants me to be the instigator. I don’t want to be aggressive so I just sit there in frustration. What can I say to him?

Laura: It sounds like he is a gentleman and does not want to push the boundaries further than your comfort level. The next time you are in that same situation, when he stops and looks at you that way you can say, “I enjoy us kissing, but I am noticing that you always stop and then just look at me. I don’t want to assume that I know what you want or what you’re thinking, so I want to ask you about it. What are your thoughts?”

Lives of Style:  I went dancing last weekend and met a man and we danced the night away and then he didn’t ask for my number. I might see him this weekend. How can I get him to ask me out?

Laura: We don’t know the reason why he didn’t ask you for your phone number. There are various reasons. He could be very shy, in a space where he doesn’t want to date, or he could be involved with someone and just enjoyed dancing with you.
When you see him out and want to signal him that you are interested in him romantically flirt with him by smiling, holding eye contact with him, and be sure to tell him “It’s so good to see you! I really enjoyed dancing with you last weekend!” To show him that you are receptive and attracted to him physically you could also gently touch his hand or arm. He should be able to pick up that you are attracted to him. Then it’s up to him if he wants to do something about it or not. I know it feels very vulnerable to not know if he will ask you out or not, but that’s part of surrendering to being in your feminine energy and waiting for a man who’s interested and masculine enough to lead you.

Lives of Style: I just found out a man I am dating is not divorced–he is separated but living with his wife. I am sad and hurt and fearful because this isn’t what he said when we first starting dating. What Should I say to him?

Laura: It’s certainly not ideal that the man you are dating did not disclose to you that he was not divorced, however it is good that he has come forward with the truth. He probably suspected that you wouldn’t have considered dating him if you had known he was currently still legally married and currently living with his wife. You have every right to stop dating him based on his choice to not tell you the truth upfront, or you could talk to him and ask him some important questions to see if you can understand his position and feel comfortable. If he has not already legally filed for divorce, and is not well into the process for it to be finalized, then you would be best served to walk away.
In order to find out some important information to make your decision you can say, “I want to talk with you about your current marital status and living situation and share some feelings that I am having. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes”.

Then you can say, “When you first asked me out you told me you were already divorced. I would not have been comfortable agreeing to date you had I known that you were not fully divorced. I feel sad that you didn’t tell me the truth and fearful to go forward. In order for me to even consider going forward with you, there are some disclosures I need from you and some questions answered. The questions I have for you are:
What is the reason that you chose to tell me you were already divorced?
What is the reason you are still living with your wife, and are you willing to move out now?
Have you filed for divorce already, and will you provide the court’s divorce case # and any documents that prove your divorce is pending?
Are you willing to make and keep an agreement with me to honest with each other from now on?”If you can accept his reason for not telling you the whole truth up front, he is able to provide legal proof that his divorce is filed and pending,he is willing to move out and get his own place right away, and he makes the agreement to be completely honest with each other from now on, then you may be able to take the risk to go forward with him. Anything less than full disclosure and full agreement on his part with any of these requests would be a huge red flag. Best of luck to you!
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