How to Handle Modern Dating Issues

Dating

Lives of Style’s DatingSpeak ™ ©2015 addresses questions about dating, relationships and communication.

Our Lives of Style authority–Laura Pugliese, shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships.

Lives of Style: A man who I was texting with resurfaced and started sending flirty texts. I was fine responding to him but I didn’t now what to write when he said that he’s confident we will have chemistry when we meet. He has asked me out a few times but never sets it up and we haven’t met yet. I want to be feminine but want to either find out if he is serious about meeting or if not then I don’t want to flirt with him.

Laura: A man who is flirting with you on and off but doesn’t step forward and follow through on asking you out for a specific date is most likely flirting with and exploring other women and not wanting to make a decision yet. That’s okay. He has every right to do that, but that doesn’t mean you have accept it and let things continue this way. The next time he texts you and flirts you can write, “You have mentioned that you want us to go out and have said that you are confident that we will have great chemistry when we meet. I do want to meet and find that out, but I want to be honest with you and let you know I am currently receptive to us meeting if you want to suggest a time and date for us to meet within the next couple of weeks. Respectfully, if you don’t want to make a plan and keep it, then I don’t feel comfortable to continue responding to your texts. What do you want to do?”

Lives of Style: I have been dating a man for a few weeks and he is horrible at making plans. Last date he said we would be going to a certain restaurant and when I got to his house he said he was ordering takeout. He told me for our first date that he would take me to a concert and I showed up and we ended up just walking to a bistro down the street from his house. He just asked me out for Saturday night and when I asked when he was thinking he said he’d let me know on Saturday morning. Should I suggest making plans for us or just let him plan our events? I always feel let down when I see him so I am not even clear what I should say to him.

Laura: He may be a spontaneous person and not realize that it is affecting you to go with the mood of the moment. I do not think you should take over and make the plans, but I do think it is important that you tell him how you feel. The next time he asks you out you can say, “Thank you! I enjoy spending time with you and would love to go. Having said that, there is something that I want to share with you that has felt uncomfortable to me on our dates. Is now a good time to talk about it?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, “I know everyone is different, and you seem to be a much more spontaneous person than I am and not think twice about changing your mind about plans at the last minute. I am the type of person who feels most comfortable either sticking to the plan that is discussed ahead of time or hearing the thoughts about a possible change prior to the time of the plan in order to digest the new idea and see if it feels comfortable. What are your thoughts about what I am sharing with you?”

Lives of Style: I just found out I’m pregnant and my boyfriend who is the father has backed away. We have talked about getting married but he hasn’t asked me yet. What can I say to him because he hasn’t called me for a few days and I’m getting nervous?

Laura: I am sorry to hear you are going through that. Everyone responds differently to life-altering news. Hopefully he is just processing things and will be in touch on his own very shortly. You two are in a relationship, and under the circumstances it is more than fair to ask him to talk with you. If he is not in touch with you by the end of a week, then you could contact him to ask him what he is thinking. You can say, “You have every right to choose not to be in touch with me since I told you I am pregnant. It doesn’t feel good to me, but I waited a week to respect that you may have needed some time to digest the news. It is important for me to know what your thoughts are and where you stand as I am carrying our child. What are your thoughts about when you will be willing to talk with me?”

It is my suggestion that you seek some professional guidance with a therapist if you do not hear back from him in a timely manner to help you sort our your feelings and figure out what your plan is going forward.

Lives of Style: I’ve been out with a man who I enjoy spending time for two months. He continues to call me almost every night and asks me out for a few nights each weekend. The problem is that he hasn’t tried anything with me physically. He has given me a peck the last date but that’s it. He’s over 50 and I heard that the libido slows down for men at this point but I don’t want a relationship with a man who doesn’t want to be physical. What can I say to him?

Laura: I don’t think it is a good idea to speculate and make assumptions about his libido. He may be a respectable mature man who likes you and wants to get to know you without rushing you into sex. Give him some more time to come forward physically on his own. The next time he gives you a peck on the cheek, you can say, “I appreciate what a gentleman you are and I want to let you know that I am attracted to you and would feel comfortable with a kiss on the lips. What are your thoughts?”

Lives of Style: My boyfriend is a nurse and he works crazy hours. The problem is that when he is off he doesn’t want to be social at all and it’s been about three weeks since I have seen him. When we’ve talked about it in the past he says he misses me so much but that he is so tired and needs his alone time after working for so long. Is there anything I can say because seeing him a few times a month doesn’t feel good to me.

Laura: It sounds like your boyfriend is an introvert. Introverts tend to need a lot of downtime alone to recharge their energy after being around people all day, especially if they are caretakers. This is an organic need by design of the introvert and doesn’t have anything to do with how the introvert feels about their loved ones. It is going to take patience, understanding, and acceptance of his needs to maintain a healthy long term relationship.

With that in mind, you can say, “Honey I have something I want to ask of you. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, “I know you work hard, have very long hours, and need a significant amount of downtime to recharge. I accept that and want to do my best to respect your needs. I also want to spend more quality time with you because I love you and really enjoy being with you. What are your thoughts about us working in some more time together regularly?”

Lives of Style and Lives of Style’s DatingSpeak ™ ©2015 want to facilitate answers to questions.  While authorities such as Laura may not be able to email each of you individually, select questions will be answered. 

Remember, log onto http://www.livesofstyle.com/the_last_word/ and email Laura at Laura@livesofstyle.com.

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