Handle Any Dating Issue with Ease

dancing couple

Lives of Style’s DatingSpeak ™ ©2015 addresses questions about dating, relationships and communication.

Our Lives of Style authority–Laura Pugliese, shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships.

Lives of Style: I dated a man who took me to a dance on our second date. It was a “progressive dance” but I didn’t know what that was. When I got there, all the women and men were doing free form dancing and casually touching each other as they passed by each other. My date had a huge erection. It was embarrassing so I left. Thankfully, I had my own car. Anyway, he ran after me and I just drove off. He then emailed me a huge explanation about how he was a recovering sex addict (recovering?) and that he had made a mistake and asked for another date. I have not responded to him, although he has emailed me three times since this happened. Should I ever reply?

Laura: Taking you out to a progressive dance on a second date where the two of you would be dancing with a bunch of people in close quarters was not the best judgement call on this man’s part considering he is a recovering sex addict, but I don’t think he deliberately set out to do something that would feel uncomfortable to you. He may have just not thought it through to realize that he could be so greatly stimulated on the dance floor. I am not hearing you state anything about him behaving inappropriately with you or any other women, so he didn’t commit an inappropriate act while aroused there. The fact of the matter is that any sexually healthy man could get an erection at any given time, not just one that a recovering sex addict. It doesn’t make him or anyone else a bad man.

I completely understand that it was not at all comfortable for you, and you had every right to do what felt most comfortable to you when you decided to leave. To his credit he didn’t just let you go and ignore you. He pursued going after you in the moment to face you and deal with your discomfort, and revealed a very serious issue that I am sure he was embarrassed to tell you.

Having said that, it is definitely a complex thing to recover from. It would require great work and therapy for him and his partner together to have a good chance at having a healthy relationship.You don’t sound at all interested in doing that. I completely respect and understand that, but I do think that it would be respectful and mature of you to respond to him instead of just ignoring him. You could say, “Thank you for all of your attempts to talk to me. I do appreciate your efforts and honesty. I want to be honest and let you know that I know I am not the right woman for you. I am just not comfortable dating someone who is a recovering sex addict, however I do wish you success in your recovery and in your search for the right woman.”

Lives of Style: I’ve lied about my age (by six years) online and to a guy I’m really interested in who seems interested in me. He is six years younger than I am. I want to come clean. How can I do it?

Laura: Keep in mind he may take it with a grain of salt and be totally okay with it, or he may view it as a sign of deceit and not accept it. Either way it is best for you to be honest as soon as possible. When you are ready to walk through the discomfort and take the risk you can say, “Before we go any further I want to tell you something that you have a right to know. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, “I feel embarrassed about something and want to be completely honest with you. On my dating profile it says that I am (insert listed age), however I am actually (insert actual age). What are your thoughts about what I telling you?”

Lives of Style: I have a friend who doesn’t get back to me about invites until the last minute–even when she could be coming with me to something that would be fun for both of us to meet cool guys. For example, there was a party that I was invited to and I had to RSVP to the hostess telling her whether I would bring a 1+. Many cute guys were supposed to be there. My friend called me 15 minutes before I was going to leave and begged me to bring her. The hostess was cool when my friend showed up–since she had balanced the number of girls and guys. What can I say to my friend?

Laura: You could say to her, “I want to talk with you about something that may feel sensitive for you to here. Is now a good time? Wait for her to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, “I always love hanging out with you, and I am always thrilled when you are able to make it to things that I invite you to. What is challenging for me is when I invite you to something that has a set RSVP time that I mention to you, but then I don’t hear back from you until the very last minute.  I really don’t feel comfortable putting other people on the spot at the last minute. I realize it is stressing me out, and I need to let you know how I am feeling and ask you to understand that from now on I will invite you with the understanding that I will need your answer by the RSVP time provided if you want to go. I hope you can understand and respect that. How do you feel about what I am telling you?”

Lives of Style: If I disagree with my boyfriend about something, he tries to say something about “women, you know!” What can I say to him?

Laura: You are not sharing any examples with me on HOW you state your disagreements with your boyfriend. It is possible that he may be feeling like you are coming off mothering, competitive and possibly disrespectful of his views when they are different than yours, as opposed to hearing his view, respecting his right to thinking that way, then sharing yours and asking for some consideration of your feelings when there needs to be a negotiation on something between you two.

Here’s what you can say to him to respectfully open the conversation. “Honey, there is something I want to talk with you about. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, “When we have a disagreement about things I notice you often say, ‘Women, you know!’ I honestly don’t know what it means when you say that, and it bothers me. I would appreciate hearing from you specifically what it is you are thinking when you say that. I know we don’t always agree, but I want to do my best to respect your thoughts and your right to have different views and opinions than me. It is important to me know what you think about what I am saying. What are your thoughts?”

Lives of Style: My grandmother is very proper and has not met my fiance–who I live with. He’s coming to a family dinner in a few weeks. Should I tell him to keep quiet about our living arrangements in front of grandma? My parents know about us living together.

Laura: Since he is a grown man, I suggest that you talk with him in a more respectful way than telling him to keep quiet. You could say, “Honey, there is something I want to talk with you about. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, ” My grandmother is very old-fashioned and proper, so I would feel most comfortable not mentioning to her that we are living together to avoid any discomfort to her, my parents, you and me when we go to my family dinner in a few weeks. What are your thoughts about us agreeing not to mention it to her?” Make sure to tell your parents and any other family members that know of your living arrangements ahead of time that you and your boyfriend are not sharing that information with your grandmother.

Lives of Style and Lives of Style’s DatingSpeak ™ ©2015 want to facilitate answers to questions.  While authorities such as Laura may not be able to email each of you individually, select questions will be answered. 

Remember, log onto http://www.livesofstyle.com/the_last_word/ and email Laura at Laura@livesofstyle.com.

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