Have a Holiday Party and Need a Date?

Holiday Couple

Lives of Style’s DatingSpeak ™ ©2015 addresses questions about dating, relationships and communication.

Our Lives of Style authority–Laura Pugliese, shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships.

Lives of Style: I have had one great date with a man and he asked me out for the following Sunday.  I just got asked out to a black tie event for the Saturday before. Can I ask him to go with me and still be feminine? And how would I do that?

Laura:  Keep in mind that there is the risk that he may decline and you shouldn’t take it personally or hold it against him if he does. As long as you are willing to accept either a yes or a no, then go ahead and send him a text and write, “I am really looking forward to seeing you next Sunday. There is something I want to ask you. Would you call me when it is convenient for you, please?” When he calls or if he tells you to just ask him by text, then you can communicate, “I know it is short notice, so I will understand if you say no.  I just got invited to a black tie event on Saturday (insert date and time), and I don’t have an escort. Do you want to go with me?”

Lives of Style: My ex-boyfriend (from a year ago) just called me and left a message that he wants to get together for the holidays. He said that he has been thinking about me and wanted to see how I am doing.  How should I respond? He broke up with me but I am not sure what he is thinking and I don’t want to get hurt.

Laura: He is clearly thinking about you and wants to see you. The fact that you are saying that you do not want to get hurt indicates to me that you still have romantic feelings for him because you wouldn’t feel vulnerable to having pain inflicted by someone who you no longer have those feelings for. You can certainly decline to see and speak with him to avoid it, but I personally think it is worth it to take the risk to meet with him and hear what he has to say. At the very least you may be able to get some closure. Keep an open mind. Sometimes people have to leave and go on their own for awhile to have different life experiences that bring them necessary growth for their own higher good which can bring great value when starting or renewing a relationship. If you are open to meeting him to see what he has to say simply say,  “I was surprised to hear from you. I gave it some thought, and I would love to meet with you and catch up.” Then show up, and let him tell you whatever it is he wants to tell you. Take it in and see how you feel about it.

Lives of Style: I want to ask a colleague out.  He is a consultant and comes into the office a few times a year. We have a company Holiday party coming up and I wanted to see if he would be my date.  I have read about being masculine and feminine and I am more of the take charge, type A woman who is career focused. I really want a man to be a partner but I want to be in charge.  So what can I say to this man that let’s him know I’m interested besides just asking him to come to the party with me?

Laura: You can do what you want, but keep in mind that as a type A masculine energy woman you have a high risk of competing and fighting with  masculine men. On the other side of it,  if you go for the more feminine and passive man to balance out your male energy you risk becoming resentful and losing respect and interest in him. Before I comment on how to go forward in your masculine energy I want to propose a question for you to ponder. Do you think you could enjoy following the lead of a strong masculine man that you find attractive? Just give that some thought.

My specialty is helping women to learn how to get in touch with their feminine energy and learn how to submit to and steer from it. You really don’t need me to help you in your masculine energy, but since you asked me for help I will answer your question.

When  you are willing to accept the risk that he may say no for some reason, then be very direct.  As a masculine energy based person you can be forward and say, “Hi (insert his name). This is (insert your name and company). Is it okay to ask you something personal?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.”  As long as he says, “Yes,” you can say, “I am a take charge kind of woman, and I find you very attractive and want to ask you on a date. Do you want to be my date for the upcoming company party on (insert date)?” It is important to let a man know you are forward and take charge because he should understand that going in to see if it will work for him. If he wants to be in charge, then you two will not work smoothly until or unless someone surrenders the control to the other. Best of luck. If you ever decide you want to explore your feminine side in relation to romantic relationship please let me know.

Lives of Style: My boyfriend just told me that he is going out of state for the holidays and going skiing with his guy friends. I thought we would be able to have some quality time together. I got mad and told him that I was not happy that he didn’t want to spend time with me for the holidays. He said that he gets to spend lots of time with me and that I am being unreasonable. We do spend time together but I work Tuesday-Saturday and he works Monday-Friday so we only have Sunday together and some nights after work when we see friends or grab dinner and pass out. What can I say to him to have him understand that I want more quality time with him and am disappointed that when he has a four day weekend he wants to hang with his boys?

Laura: It sounds like you do have weekly continuity in your relationship, which is a good thing. I do not think it is unreasonable that your boyfriend wants to go on a ski trip with his friends, but I do think that it sounds like there is a lack of communication from you to him about what you wanted and therefore expected from him. It appears to me that you had ideas in your head that you and your boyfriend would be spending time together around the holidays, but I am not reading that you told him what you were thinking and wanting in regards to that.  It would be in your best interest to communicate your wants and feelings to your boyfriend in a timely manner to avoid being disappointed by your  expectations, and it is best to work out negotiated agreements based on fair and respectful communication.

To be fair and rational you can say, “I want to talk with you about some realizations I have had since we spoke about the holidays. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, “You had every right to make plans to go on the ski trip with your friends for the holidays, and although I felt disappointed because I thought we would spend some extra time together during the holidays, I realized that I did not communicate my ideas for us about the holidays with you prior to you making those plans. You couldn’t possibly have known what I was thinking.  I want to do my best to communicate with you in a fair and respectful manner going forward.  I also realized that I really want for us to spend more quality time together. What are your thoughts about what I am saying, and what are your thoughts about us discussing and scheduling in more quality time together?”

Lives of Style: I have been seeing a man for a few months and we are not exclusive. I felt comfortable going over to his house for dinner and having a minor make-out session. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable moving forward without a commitment and he said he didn’t want to be exclusive if he didn’t know that we could be compatible with intimacy. I said he had a right to that opinion but mentioned again that I didn’t feel comfortable moving forward without a commitment and then he reiterated his opinions. I’m not sure how to proceed what can I say?

Laura: I see the challenge on both sides. You don’t want to risk bonding to him without knowing he is committed exclusively to you, and he doesn’t want to commit to you without first seeing how the sex is. It is going to be a risk going forward for both of you, but I do believe it is in your best interest to hold your values because the risk is greater for you as a women due to oxytocin bonding.  I also believe that a man who is truly interested in a woman for the right reasons will accept the risk to make the woman feel comfortable because he will be able to process this information rationally and understand her risk and need for comfort.

Oxytocin is also a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter. Estrogen is a receptor of oxytocin and is released during orgasm in both sexes; it is associated with feelings of love or attachment after sexual acts. Women do tend to have a higher risk of strong attachment being stimulated by any form of sexual intercourse due to the fact that estrogen is a receptor for oxytocin and testosterone can override it’s effects. This bonding through sexual intercourse includes vaginal, oral and anal sex. This is the reason why it is very important to understand that casual sex of any sort can be very serious business depending upon the way oxytocin bonding can affect individuals.

Have you ever seen the movie “Fatal Attraction?” That is an example of oxytocin bonding by an unstable woman who appeared to become oxytocin bonded to a married man. The results of that combination can be deadly or simply horribly emotionally painful for a bonded person to go through when the relationship ends.

Keeping all of the above mentioned in mind,  here is what you can say to him the next time he brings it up.  “You have every right to want to have sex before deciding if you want to make a commitment to me, and I will respect your decision to move on to someone else if that that is what you decide you want to do. I understand that you may not want to take the risk of committing to me first, but due to my values and the fact that I understand that as a woman I risk becoming sexually bonded to you through sexual intimacy, I do not feel comfortable taking such great risks with my emotions and my body without knowing that the man I am taking that risk with is willing to be exclusively committed to me first. There are no guarantees that it would work out long term, but I do need to know that the intention is there on both sides. What are your thoughts?”

Lives of Style and Lives of Style’s DatingSpeak ™ ©2015 want to facilitate answers to questions.  While authorities such as Laura may not be able to email each of you individually, select questions will be answered. 

Remember, log onto http://www.livesofstyle.com/the_last_word/ and email Laura at Laura@livesofstyle.com.

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