When or If to Let Go

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Lives of Style’s DatingSpeak ©2016 addresses questions about Dating, Relationships and Communication.

Our Lives of Style authority–Laura Pugliese, shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships.

Jane: I am in love/lust with a superstar businessman. He’s young, handsome, super-successful, a multi-millionaire, travels the world, is famous in his field and respected by politicians, leaders in this country and abroad and is just about the nicest guy ever. We have been dating for about 18 months. He calls me twice a week and texts me about three times and we see each other every other week. The problem is, when I asked him where he saw this going, he said he “wasn’t sure he ever wanted to get married or have children” and that he “didn’t see” himself in a committed role leading to monogamy anytime soon. I’ve already slept with him, and I’ve tried to limit seeing him to wean myself from him–but everyone else I see pales in contrast with him. Is there anything I can say to get him to commit, or to say to myself, to move on?

Laura: Based on what you stated in reference to the discussion you already had with the man whom you are dating, it is very clear that he was direct and honest with you that he does not see himself making a commitment anytime soon, and he has also been upfront that he is not sure that he ever wants to get married and have children. With this knowledge it would be in your best interest to accept that you are at a great risk of prolonged heartache and disappointment if you continue to give your time, affection, and your body to this man with the hopes that he will change his mind and make a commitment to you.

Considering that this man has already stated his position clearly, the only healthy way for you to receive a commitment from this man is for him to decide on his own that he has changed his mind and tells you he wants to be in an exclusive relationship specifically with you. I am going to show you the elephant in the room in case you have somehow missed it, because it is a very important thing for you to think about.

By his own statement about not seeing himself in a committed role leading to monogamy, he is indicating to you that he is seeing other women Ask yourself if you are happy and comfortable with being sexually and emotionally involved and bonded to a man that has clearly let you know that he is currently wanting or very likely exercising the option of dating and sleeping with other women.

What you must tell yourself is that you are worthy of a good man who wants to cherish you and be with you exclusively. And in order to be open to receive that, you must be willing to let go of what he is giving you that is not in the energy of what you really want—in order to open up the energy for what it is you truly desire.

Honesty is always the best policy with yourself and others. If it is truly meant to be with this man, then loving yourself enough to be honest will not hurt it. If it is not meant to be with him, then there is nothing you should say to try to force it.

When you are ready to make the decision that you are no longer willing to be just one of this man’s steady casual choices, then you can say the following to him.

“I want to talk with you about something that’s been on my mind. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, “I have really enjoyed the time we have spent together, and I appreciate that you have been honest with me about where you stand and what you want. I want to be honest with you and tell you that I have come to realize that I can no longer continue to see you and sleep with you without being in an exclusive relationship because I have feelings for you, and I am also experiencing feeling bonded through being sexually intimate with you. I realize that if I continue to do this, then I will be choosing to hurt myself because I have the knowledge that you are not wanting the exclusivity and commitment that I want. What are your thoughts about what I am telling you?”

Karen: I am 40 and never have had a real boyfriend. I think I don’t communicate with men well–AND– I want to find a successful boyfriend who is financially secure–and basically don’t want to “date” and go through the process. There is a man who fits my specifications who recently asked me for coffee. What can I say to him? Can I tell him what I want?

Laura: With all due respect. I can completely understand if you don’t want to go out with a whole bunch of different men, but I seriously doubt that you are going to find the man of your dreams to commit to being in a serious relationship with you without dating first.

The good news is that there is a man that you actually like who has asked you out for coffee.

You should say, “I am so glad you asked. Yes! I would love to.”

I also suggest that you promptly go to the archives here at www.livesofstyle.com and read through some of the blog Q and As for tips on how to communicate in the feminine energy in respect to a masculine energy, leading man.

Lee: I made a mistake. I feel as if I married my best friend instead of my romantic partner. My husband of six months is a cool guy, fun to hang out with, but I’ve lost “that loving feeling” for him. I’m just not that turned on to him. He’s really nice, but frankly, I don’t care if we make love. I want to tell him that and perhaps ask for a divorce. How can I bring that up?

Laura: Marriage is a very serious commitment. I do not think it is one to make or break lightly. I advise you to first talk with him about how you are feeling with the suggestion to go to relationship counseling to attempt to resolve the issues or at least come to a mutual understanding prior to dissolving the marriage.

You can say, “I want to talk with you about some uncomfortable feelings that I have been having. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes.” Then you can say, “This is very hard for me to say because I think you are a great guy, and I do love you. What is concerning me is that it feels like you are my best friend, but I am experiencing a feeling of loss of romantic feelings. I do not know if this is just a phase but I want to be fair to you and tell you how I am feeling. What are your thoughts about what I am sharing with you, and are you willing to go to relationship counseling with me to talk this through with someone who could assist us to figure out what is ultimately best for the both of us going forward?”

Lives of Style and Lives of Style’s DatingSpeak ™ ©2016 want to facilitate answers to questions. While authorities such as Laura may not be able to email each of you individually, select questions will be answered.

Remember, log onto http://www.livesofstyle.com/the_last_word/ and email Laura at Laura@livesofstyle.com.

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