Relationship Basics: 101 from #1 Relationship Expert Dr. Pat Allen

couple on a beach

Lives of Style is proud to introduce America’s #1 Relationship Expert: Dr. Pat Allenadvisor to “Millionaire Matchmaker” and author of 6 books–and DVD’s, CD’s–including, “Getting to I Do!” — her (10-year) best-selling blueprint for meeting, magnetizing and marrying your mate in 12 months.

Acclaimed as “THE Love Doctor,” lauded by Oprah as “Therapist, Comic Mother Superior,” Dr. Allen is a Marriage and Family Therapist, an internationally recognized communication and relationship expert and a Certified Transactional Analyst. Her books have become bibles to many singles–a GPS guide to the altar.

Dr. Pat Allen is now Lives of Style’s new “Relationship Style Expert!”

She’ll be blogging for us Thursdays on
and Lives of Style will be airing select coaching segments from Dr. Allen on broadcast TV and on the Internet.


Lives of Style: Dr. Allen–welcome back! We’re excited to have you as our Relationship Style Expert and can’t wait to explore more relationship techniques.

Dr Pat Allen: Thank you! I’m happy to be here and talk about how anchored women can magnetize men.

Lives of Style: So let’s start with basic relationships 101.

Pat Allen: Working relationships are equal. I think what you think, lets make money. Friendships are equal, because there’s not the involvement of chemistry and sex. But whenever you love someone there has to be complementary communication.  That looks like a man saying, “I think…how do you feel?” Not: “I think…what do you think?” That’s war.

Lives of Style: There are different kinds of relationships aren’t there? So what kind of relationships are there?

Pat Allen: There’s one relationship which is when both people have careers. Both people are working and both people are taking care of chores or they’re paying for somebody to do it. Now those people have a problem because they think equal money and equal chores is also equal communication. Now we got a problem with communication.

Then we have the codependency. The codependency relationship is where one is a narcissist and one is a zero.

And the last one is a covenant relationship one in which you’ve got to negotiate your time space money and play. You’ve got to be monogamous, continuous, long-term.

Every relationship needs chemistry, compatibility, and communication to be fully realized.

Lives of Style: Those are the three essential elements aren’t they, for a relationship?

Pat Allen: For a loving relationship. Not work and not friendship. But for love, parent-child, man-woman, man-man, woman-woman. I would imagine that there are people reading this that have had one person say, “I love you very much but I’m not in love with you.”  That means they don’t have the big three, chemistry, compatibility, and communication.

Lives of Style: So let’s talk about those “big three”– so what is chemistry? Most of who felt this real rush when we meet someone think– “is that chemistry?”

Pat Allen: Chemistry is DNA compatibility. If the person you are with is chemically a little like mom or a little like dad, but not too much like mom and not too much like dad, then the difference between you is compatible. You have to be complementary. If you’re too much like his mother, your taboo. If your not a little bit like his mother DNA, then your alien.

Lives of Style: If you have the chemistry, you’re in the ball park but there’s compatibility, so how does that work?

Pat Allen: Compatibility is if they live in the same country as you do. You know if you’re meeting them in an airport and they’re going to Israel and never coming back that might not be compatible. Your lifestyle has to fit and that’s where religion can make a difference, politics could make a difference and age can make a difference.  You may think, I want a baby and you’re too old or you’re too poor for me.  So money and sex are also compatibility factors. Harvard did a big study. Men like to marry for sensual and sexual stability and women like to marry for status and financial stability. So that’s the “complementarily” that we need.

Lives of Style:  So you got the chemistry, then you’ve got the compatibility and then there’s communication.

Pat Allen: That’s my area–I’m a transactional analyst. I teach semantics.

There are three ways to communicate: intimidate with fear ‘I’m leaving,” seduce with guilt “You’re not going to make love to me, why not,” or negotiate “look what is it going to take for us to become intimate?”

So if a woman wants a relationship–she says, “I’ve been to Pat Allen so I know that number one we have got to promise monogamy. I’m not willing to share you. Two, I’ve got to see you regularly. I don’t want to have to go through grief (if there are big gaps in seeing each other). And the third one is we are going to the same place, if you want just a shipboard romance ok, then say it and if I like it I’ll do it. But, if I want to be married and you’re not going where I am going then we’ve got no deal.”

Lives of Style: Thanks Pat! W’ve learned a lot. Next week we are going to dive into what are “negotiables” in a relationship and how to ask for what you want.

Pat Allen: Yes! I’m excited for next week because teaching people how to communicate what they want or don’t want is so essential for successful relationships.

You can email questions to Dr. Pat Allen at

While Dr. Allen may not be able to email each of you individually, she will answer select questions on her weekly blog.

Remember, log onto and email Dr. Allen at

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