The Relationship Non-Negotiables You Want to Know About

Happy couple embracing and laughing on the beach

Lives of Style is proud to introduce America’s #1 Relationship Expert: Dr. Pat Allen–advisor to “Millionaire Matchmaker” and author of 6 books–and DVD’s, CD’s–including, “Getting to I Do!” — her (10-year) best-selling blueprint for meeting, magnetizing and marrying your mate in 12 months.

Acclaimed as “THE Love Doctor,” lauded by Oprah as “Therapist, Comic Mother Superior,” Dr. Allen is a Marriage and Family Therapist, an internationally recognized communication and relationship expert and a Certified Transactional Analyst. Her books have become bibles to many singles–a GPS guide to the altar.

Dr. Pat Allen is now Lives of Style’s new “Relationship Style Expert!”

She’ll be blogging for us Thursdays on and Lives of Style will be airing select coaching segments from Dr. Allen on broadcast TV and on the Internet.


Lives of Style: Dr. Allen–welcome back! We’re excited to have you as our Relationship Style Expert and can’t wait to explore more relationship techniques.

Dr Pat Allen: Thank you! I’m happy to be here and talk about how anchored women can magnetize men.

Lives of Style: There are some non-negotiables for a relationship? Obviously monogamy is one.

Dr Pat Allen: Yes–sexual and social.

Lives of Style: Why are they important?

Dr. Pat Allen: “You need both. There are a lot of people who commit to sexual monogamy because they don’t want a disease. But then they go directly to a website and start hunting.

So I teach my people, do you want sexual and social monogamy, so that they tell people they come in contact with that they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. That’s important.

Lives of Style: Someone mentioned that one out of every five people meets somebody online. With the surfeit of people online–combined with it being very anonymous, it makes you wonder–a person could be in a relationship with someone and then they’re online trying to find somebody else and that’s not monogamy.

Dr. Pat Allen: No that’s not monogamy, that’s called ‘you’re safe’, but I am shopping.

Lives of Style: Which is not acceptable. The second non negotiable has to do with continuous interaction. Why is that important for women?”

Dr. Pat Allen: It’s important for women because we bond physically. If you’re under fifty and you’re a woman you bond with oxytocin. If you’re over fifty and you’re a man you bond because you’re going on estrogen. So you’ve got to watch out when it comes to bonding with bad people. Because for men it produces a lot of cardiovascular problems.

Lives of Style: Why is it important that continuity–or seeing someone regularly–is a non-negotiable?

Dr. Pat Allen: You’ve got to keep the chemistry up.

Lives of Style: It’s almost like watering a plant–you can’t just leave it there and not do anything about it, correct?

Dr. Pat Allen: You’re absolutely right! Oxytocin is a neuropeptide that is produced when you come near the person who you are chemically attracted to–and it bonds you to them. See the problem is that people very often consummate their attraction before they find out if they are compatible, or they have negotiated monogamy, continuity, and longevity.

So I have a phrase it’s called “no friendship advances past the first lay,” so whatever you’ve got going as human beings that’s what you’re going to get.

Lives of Style: Let’s talk about the third negotiable, longevity. What’s happening in society today is that people are saying, “Okay, I’m fine–I’ll be monogamous, I’ll be continuous and I will see you on a regular basis, but I can’t guarantee how long I’m going to be here.”  How do people negotiate for longevity in a relationship when sometimes it is a quick flash?

Dr. Pat Allen: I hate to mention this, but every relationship ends with either death and divorce. Enjoy what you’ve got while you’ve got it because it’s going to leave unless you go down in the plane together.

However, here’s what I say, “No intercourse until you get the ‘Are we aiming for???–are we going to do a shipboard romance, or are we going to stay together until we meet somebody else or your wife comes back from Jamaica, or you’re looking to get married?” Longevity, continuity, while we’re here lets be together. And exclusivity whether we like it or not, I’m not a moralist, I’m a therapist. If you want to be a mistress to a person or you want to be a lover and you know it and the person agrees have at it.

Lives of Style: But, know what you’re getting into ahead of time. Correct?

Dr. Pat Allen: Yes. Have a deal.

Lives of Style: Thanks Pat!  That’s a lot of crucial information.  Make the deal before you have sex.  That’s very important to remember.

Dr. Pat Allen: Yes! And next week I’ll talk about the different kids of men and women in relationship.

You can email questions to Dr. Pat Allen at

While Dr. Allen may not be able to email each of you individually, she will answer select questions on her weekly blog.

Remember, log onto and email Dr. Allen at

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