More Keys to Successful Male-Female Conversations

Happy Couple on a Date

Lives of Style is proud to introduce our NEW “Dating-Speak”™ ©2013 Authority: Laura Pugliese.

Laura–formally trained at the WANT Institute by the pre-eminent relationship therapist–Dr. Pat Allen, is a Certified Communications Coach–one of  only 100 who have personally studied under Dr. Allen. Laura combines her training, life experience and spiritually-driven gift for manifesting potent communications in interpersonal relationships. Laura teaches her clients how to cut through emotional reactions and communicate rationally with integrity and love.

Today our “Dating-Speak” ™ ©2013 Authority–Laura shares must-know dating do’s and don’ts that will help you find success in your relationships.

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Lives of Style:  What do you say when the man who you’ve been speaking with about going on a date calls you during work and you can’t speak because you have people in the office but want to let him know you’re interested? Do you ask him to call you back so he is initiating the call?

Laura: He already initiated when he called. You do want to respond when the man initiates.  However, it’s understandable that when you are in the midst of your workday it may not be the best time for you to speak. Let it go to voicemail, then you can respond and return his call when you can speak to avoid an awkward or abrupt transaction while you are working.

Lives of Style: How do you prioritize if you are dating three men and they are all asking you out for a Saturday night? (At this point you have no preference.) What do you say to the ones who you can’t see?

Laura: Say, “Yes” to the gentleman who asked you first. To the other ones you can say, “Thank you so much for asking! I’m not available this Saturday, but I would love to another time! What are your thoughts?”

Lives of Style:  What if you have committed to a Saturday night date with Man X and a man you have a better connection with calls and asks you out for Saturday night as well–what can you say and do?

Laura: The response to this question is going to depend on your personal comfort. Although you can certainly break your date with the first man to go out with the second one, it will require you to come up with an excuse. The price tag is you will know you are not being truthful. I don’t think it’s necessary to “hurry up” to go out with the man who asked you second.

I am a believer that personal integrity keeps inner peace.  I believe that, “You only know you love yourself and others by the commitments you make and keep!”

The first man did ask you out in a timelier manner, so he deserves respect. Also, at this point anything can happen.  The second man asking you may realize he should ask you sooner. If you truly have a connection he will ask again.  Respect the man who asked you out first and use the verbiage from the previous question for the man you have a great connection with to avoid having to break your date with the first man.

Lives of Style: What can you say to a man who you’ve been dating three times who asks you out again and when planning your next date says that he wants to have you over to his house for dinner and a movie? Is it too soon to go to his house? What if you don’t feel comfortable?

Laura: It is too soon if you don’t feel ready and comfortable. If you do feel comfortable by date #3 it’s okay to say, “Yes. I would love to!”

If you are not yet feeling comfortable enough to go to his house you can say, “I have really enjoyed our dates and I would love to go out with you again, but I have traditional values and take a little bit more time to get to know a man before going to his house for a date. Do you have another suggestion?”

Lives of Style: What do you say to a man you’ve been dating who says, “You’re too mysterious?”

Laura: You can say, “I am very open to sharing more with you about myself, however I don’t know specifically what you mean by that. What is it that you don’t know about me that you want to know?”

Lives of Style: You’re on a group date. There are four couples at the event and your date ends up speaking to one of the women for the majority of the time. Can you say something during the date? Do you say or do anything?

Laura: The best thing is to remain passive, patient and open on the date. It may feel uncomfortable, but it’s going to be more uncomfortable attempting to have a sensitive conversation while out with a group. Your composure during an uncomfortable time will also show maturity in managing your feelings. Once you are alone you can say, “I want to talk to you about something that felt uncomfortable to me tonight. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say yes. Then you can say, “I want you to know that I understand when we are out with a group it’s not going to be the same as when we are out alone, and I don’t expect your undivided attention all night, but tonight I felt uncomfortable with the amount of time you spent talking to (insert name) versus the time you spent on me.  What are your thoughts about the feelings I’m sharing with you?”

Lives of Style: On what occasions can you offer to split the tab or pay for dinner?

Laura:  You can do it whenever you want! With that in mind it is more of a masculine energy to do that, so it competes with his masculine. Splitting the tab or you paying for dinner will pull on his feminine side, which comes with the risk of possibly diminishing sexual chemistry on one or both of your parts.  Some women actually insist on doing it, then complain that they don’t feel the chemistry with the man or they can’t figure out why over time the spark is not there and they are beginning to feel turned off.

Giving back works very nicely. For example: He takes you out to dinner two to three times and you make or pick up a dessert to bring the next time. Or, you make him dinner after he takes you out a few times. Or, you can pick up coffee and treats to bring depending on the plan. Or, you put together a nice picnic lunch for the two of you.

You definitely want to give back to good men who have been properly courting you and have shown themselves to be cherishing gentlemen. Early on, it’s really important to know who is leading whom if you want to be the feminine energy in the relationship.

Once you are in a committed relationship with one man then there are more things you can do to give back, to show appreciation and be a supporter to your partner and your relationship.

Lives of Style: If a man chews with his mouth open and it is physically offensive to you, how do you correct him or do you?

Laura: Correcting him would be mothering him and probably not well received, but I get it that it’s a turn off. Approach it with some sensitivity. You can say, “I want to talk to you about something that feels awkward. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes,” then you can say, “I know you probably don’t realize it, but I’ve noticed that you are often chewing with your mouth open and I can see all the mushed up food while you chew. It’s been distracting, and I want to mention it.  I know I would want to know if I was doing it. Please tell me if you ever see me doing it. What are your thoughts about what I am sharing with you?”

Lives of Style: What do you do if he is still receiving text messages from his ex?

Laura: First remember that his ex may be continuing to contact him, but no one can control what another person does. Keep in mind that is more about what he is doing to discourage or encourage it. You can say, “I really appreciate that you are honest with me about all the texts you get from your ex and you certainly have every right to continue to be in touch with her. I want to be honest. It really doesn’t feel good to me that you have continuous contact with your ex. and it really concerns me that there is unfinished business between you, which makes me question if it’s safe for me to be getting so invested with you. What are your thoughts about what I am sharing with you?”

Lives of Style:  How much of your dating past do you divulge – (early on within first four dates) and then later (after 8+ dates) when you relate past experiences should you leave your ex out of the picture?

Laura: As you get past the first few dates there is a process of getting to know each other more deeply that should be taking place. It is normal to discuss some of your past relationships to some extent. It’s not the mention of the past relationships that is an issue as much as how often you bring it up or in what energy you relay the information. If you relay the information with anger, blame or bitterness you will reveal that you may not be too evolved from the relationship. Avoid it if you are not quite healed enough to relay it with an empathetic or at least neutral energy, or if once you start it becomes the center focus of the evening.

Lives of Style: What do you do if you are conflicted between being agreeable and passive and actively enthusiastic but not opinionated?

Laura: You do have thoughts, ideas and opinions, which is a good thing. It’s not about never sharing them. It’s about learning not to lead in your dating life with them. If you feel enthusiastic about something you can say, “I have a thought/idea/suggestion (pick one to use) about that. Do you want to hear it?” You ask him if he wants to hear it, so he is now expecting to hear it.

Lives of Style: Some people believe in love at first sight and some people think it is impossible. Do you think it is possible to be attracted to someone so strongly that you never look at another soul again?

Laura: Yes, I absolutely think it happens, and I think sometimes we meet soul mates and don’t know it or don’t know what to do at the time even though they are right in front of us. The bottom line is that in order for that magnetism or any meeting to turn into a viable relationship one of those people (the masculine energy person) needs to lead and ask the other person (the feminine energy person) out on a date and that person (the feminine energy person) needs to accept. From there they need to communicate and walk through the steps to building a relationship.

Lives of Style: If you have been seeing someone for a few months but haven’t established boundaries or talked fully about your relationship and its details—and you are not intimate or committed to them, is it okay for both of you to continue to see other people?

Laura: Yes, absolutely! You only know you are truly committed when you have had the conversation about it and both agreed and committed to it.

Lives of Style: Is it ever good to share your feelings first?

Laura: Yes! Let him know often about things that feel good. For things that don’t feel good, it’s okay to share but ensure that you do so respectfully and you don’t use them as a weapon to control every transaction.  Make sure it’s important when you share things that don’t feel good. You can say, “I have some feelings that I want to share with you. Is now a good time?”  Wait for his ”Yes,” and then share.

While Laura may not be able to email each of you individually, she will answer select questions on her weekly blog.

Remember, log onto www.livesofstyle.com/the_last_word/ and email Laura at Laura@livesofstyle.com

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