Effective Speak for Romantic Relationships

Couple on a Date

Lives of Style is proud to introduce our NEW “Dating-Speak”™ ©2013

Authority: Laura Pugliese.

Laura–formally trained at the WANT Institute by the pre-eminent relationship therapist–Dr. Pat Allen, is a Certified Communications Coach–one of only 100 who have personally studied under Dr. Allen. Laura combines her training, life experience and spiritually-driven gift for manifesting potent communications in interpersonal relationships. Laura teaches her clients how to cut through emotional reactions and communicate rationally with integrity and love.

Today our “Dating-Speak”™ ©2013 Authority–Laura shares must-know dating do’s and don’ts that will help you find the success in your relationships.

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Lives of Style: Is there anything you can say to a man who you really like who you’ve gone out on a few dates with and who hasn’t called to ask you out again? You’ve waited seven weeks and haven’t heard anything but you seemed to really click on the date?

Laura: Give it one more week to see if you hear from him. There is an eight-week rumination cycle, and statistics have proved that men can take a full eight weeks to process their feelings and return. Over time women have marked the date on their calendar and sometimes hear from the man as late as the last hour of the last day of the eight weeks.

If you still haven’t heard from him when the eight weeks are complete, it is okay to drop a hanky if you want to make that gesture. I suggest keeping expectations low if you are going to do this.  You can send a simple text saying “You crossed my mind, and I wanted to say hi! How are you doing? :-)  (insert your name). Lives of Style: Can you EVER go back to someone you met on match.com who emailed you (and you sent them a dismissive email back) and email them to say that you’ve felt like you wanted to re-connect and say hello?

Laura: Yes, however once again keep expectations low.  If you realized your response was dismissive you can say “Hi ( insert his name) I came across your email in my inbox. I feel badly because I realize that I was very busy and distracted at the time I received your email, and I did not give it the consideration it deserved. I wanted to apologize to you and ask what do you think about us starting over and corresponding again to get to know each other?”

Lives of Style: What can you say to a man who you really like; you met online and you’ve gone out on several dates but you found out that he still currently online looking for dates?

Laura: You are both free to date others unless you have made a commitment to be in an exclusive and committed relationship, so he is well within his rights. You can ask him what his wants are by saying, “I want to talk to you about something that feels sensitive. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes” or tell you when it is a good time to have this talk. Then you can say, “l have really enjoyed all of our dates. I realize we haven’t discussed our ideas and wants for where this is going between us, so I I want to ask you. What are your thoughts about where you want this to go between us?”

Lives of Style: What do you do when you’ve been harried all day and when you have your date, you’re “somewhere” else and don’t respond, or interact with your date? Can you fix it later?

Laura: Anytime you believe you were not fully present and considerate to anyone it’s a good idea to acknowledge and take responsibility for it. You can call him and say, “On reflection of our date tonight I feel badly because I realized I was a bit out of it and not fully present because I was harried all day. I wanted to acknowledge it and take responsibility for it. That wasn’t fair to you. I will also do my best to be more conscious in the future. What are your thoughts about what I am sharing with you?”

Lives of Style: What if you’re really shy–and you blush and get tongue-tied? Are there exercises, practice “sayings” that you can rehearse? How can you get out of the fear of saying anything?

Laura: Do your best to relax before the date. Take a bubble bath, listen to soothing music, and take some deep breaths. Remember that your date asked you out because he sees something in you he likes. Be yourself, and don ‘t over think about it.

Lives of Style: This really goes along with the last question. What if you’ve said “the wrong thing” so many times you have no confidence you’ll say the right thing? How can you temper down the fear that you’ll “do it again?”

Laura: Understand that it’s normal to be afraid. Make the decision to stop beating yourself up. Remember you are not alone. Nobody is perfect, and everyone make mistakes. Mistakes in relating are part of life, and they give us the opportunity to learn, grow, and ultimately become better human beings along the way. When you do make a mistake be open to walk through the discomfort to get the lesson it is bringing you. It’s a process and a journey. Be sincere, and you will get there.

Lives of Style: What if your date is left handed, and he is encroaching on your space at a dinner table (you’re right handed and you’re both sitting side by side. Is there a nice way to say, “move over?”

Laura: It’s one of those things that are not one person’s fault. It’s circumstantial. You can say, “I am feel distracted and uncomfortable because It is taking a lot of effort for me not to bump your left arm with my right arm. What are your thoughts about us switching sides to make it more comfortable?”

Lives of Style: What if you’re suddenly so attracted to your date (it’s your second date) or touched by something he said, that you reach over and kiss him on the cheek, with an “Oh!” That’s a mistake, isn’t it?

Laura: You can simply say, “I feel embarrassed as I realize that was unexpected. I was very touched by what you said, and the urge to respond to you with affection took over. What are your thoughts about it?”

Lives of Style: Let’s say you’re a great dancer–have taken lots of lessons, and you and your (committed boyfriend) want to take dancing lessons together. Do you pretend to not be as proficient, so that he can “look good,” or do you correct him (in a feminine way) if he steps on your feet?

Laura: Do your part, and be patient with him to give him a chance to learn. It’s the dance instructor’s job to correct him, so if it’s going very poorly contact the instructor privately. Let him or her know the dance issues, and explain that you don’t want to embarrass your boyfriend.

Lives of Style:  If a man says, “I might commit, but it’s going to be a long way down the road,” do you stay or say something?

Laura: When a man says he may commit, but it’s going to be a long way down the road the first thing you should do is BELIEVE HIM!

Do not attempt to talk him into it. It is in your best interest to continue dating other men. Let this man know you fully understand his position. You can say, “You have every right to want to wait a long time to commit. I fully understand what you are saying and respect your choice. I also want to be up front and honest and let you know that I do love spending time with you, however I do not feel comfortable becoming sexual with anyone without being in an exclusive and committed relationship, and until I am in one I will be continuing to date others. What are your thoughts about what I am telling you?

While Laura may not be able to email each of you individually, she will answer select questions on her weekly blog.

Remember, log onto http://www.livesofstyle.com/the_last_word/ and email Laura at Laura@livesofstyle.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

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