Dating Do’s for a Great Relationship

Date

“Dating-Speak” ™ ©2014: Our Lives of Style authority–Laura, shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships:

Lives of Style: I need help. My boyfriend is a go-getter and is always busy working. We barely have time together for just the two of us. Recently we had a romantic date planned and he asked me if it would be okay if his co-worker and his co-worker’s girlfriend met with us for dinner. I didn’t want to say I needed time to just be with him so I said it was okay and asked if we could plan a date night the following week. What could I have said?

Laura: You are not alone with your feelings on this matter. I want to share with you that this type of question comes up often particularly when the person who wants to invite people to join the date is more extroverted than the other person. Extroverts get recharged around people, and they tend to think the more the merrier more often than not. People who are more introverted by nature tend to feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed more easily when there is a date night planned as a “we” –just the two of you–that their partner wants to turn into and “us”–the two of you plus others.

Separately from that woman generally want scheduled date nights to stay as just two because it promotes positive bonding with their mate. Here’s what you could say to your boyfriend. “I want to talk with you about something that is sensitive to me. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say “yes,” then you can say, “You had every right to ask me to make a change to our date night, and I take full responsibility for saying yes when you asked me how I felt about your co-worker and his girlfriend joining us. I realize that it doesn’t feel good to me to give up our pre-planned alone date night to be with other people because we don’t get to spend a lot of time alone together. I feel best when we get our alone dates. What are your thoughts about us agreeing to do our best to honor the alone date nights that we plan and schedule separate times when we could go out with other people?”

Lives of Style: I am dating a number of men right now waiting for the right one to show up. One of the men who I am dating is ten years younger than I am. He is flirty but sometimes pushes the limits with what he says due to his immaturity. What can I say to him when he does this because he seems 20 years younger than I am and it turns me off?

Laura: When he says something that feels uncomfortable you can say, “I generally enjoy your flirty nature. You have every right to say whatever you want, but I want to be honest and tell you that it doesn’t feel good to me to when you say things like (insert the comments he made). When I hear those kind of remarks it really turns me off, and I know if it continues the chemistry I have for you will dissolve. What are your thoughts about the feelings I am sharing with you?”

Lives of Style: I have been in an exclusive relationship with my boyfriend for two years. We have talked about engagement and I think we are moving towards that commitment. However, his ex-wife is very involved in our relationship because they share a child. She is always asking him not to include me in his son’s school events, his son’s birthday parties, etc. It hurts my feelings and my boyfriend doesn’t really stand up to her. What can I say to him?

Laura: It can be quite a sensitive situation when you are in a relationship with someone who has a child with an ex especially if it is still during the child rearing years. I think it is normal if the child’s mother is protective about her son being exposed to girlfriends for a period of time, but since you are two years into this relationship I suspect that some of it is about her own wants and not wants. You are in a very challenging position, and your boyfriend is also.

My suggestion is this. Go to your boyfriend and say, “I want to talk to you about some sensitive feelings that I have been experiencing in our relationship. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say “yes,” then you can say, “I respect you as a man and father. I love you and your son, and I want to be a part of both of your lives. I know it must be challenging to have a child who you still have to co-parent with who is someone with whom you are no longer romantically involved. I want to do my best to be respectful and supportive of you. It makes me feel very sad and frustrated to be so excluded from your child’s life because of your ex. What are your thoughts about the feelings I am sharing with you, and do you have any suggestions on how to bridge this gap so that I can be more involved with your son’s life events?”

Lives of Style: My boyfriend was picking me up after I was hanging out with some girl friends and one of my friends started flirting with him. It was subtle but was there. I have known her for a long time and adore her as a friend so I was surprised she reacted the way she did with my man. What can I say to her and is there anything I can say to him?

Laura: You said she was flirting with him, so I would go directly to her. It may have been awkward for him, and I would suggest not addressing him unless there is flirting started on his part with someone. You can say to her, “I want to talk with you about something that may feel sensitive. Is now a good time?” Wait for her to say “yes,” then you can say, “You have every right to speak and act however you want with whomever you want, and I don’t think you would deliberately do anything to cause me discomfort. The other night when my boyfriend picked me up I felt a sense of discomfort with the way you were with him. It appeared a bit flirty to me. How do you feel about the sensitive feelings I am sharing with you?”

Lives of Style: I’m a type A woman. I have a very exciting and time consuming high-paced job that I love and I don’t have much time for relationships. When I see a man who I like I want to go over and start a conversation because I don’t want to wait for him to get up the nerve to pick me up. I do want my relationships to fall within the parameters that I have available for them so I have been told I’m domineering. I recently met a man at a party and he gave me his number. I’ve called him but haven’t heard back yet. What can I say in my messages so that I get a response? And I don’t have time to plan the date so how can I delegate that to him?

Laura: Yes. All of your statements definitely sound like you primarily want to be the leading male energy person in the relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what you really want as long as you are upfront about it and your partners agree to it. Expect to date more passive men who don’t have high powered jobs, a lot of money, and they are willing to be the feminine energy based person in the relationship. An alpha man will want to primarily lead and run the show, so you two would compete.

I understand that you want to pursue and lead him to accept the date with you. Then you want to ask him to be available within the boundaries of your busy life with the addition of wanting to delegate the date planning to him. Be upfront when you pursue the men you want. Tell him, “I am an A type alpha woman, and I am looking to date someone who is comfortable being the yin to my yang. I tend to be busy, so I want to delegate the planning of the date to you. Are you comfortable with all of that?” See how that goes for awhile. If it doesn’t go well, then consider checking back in on how to surrender and learn to date from your feminine side –with a man who can lead you!

While Laura may not be able to email each of you individually, she will answer select questions.

Remember, log onto http://www.livesofstyle.com/the_last_word/ and email Laura at Laura@livesofstyle.com
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