How to Communicate so He Can Hear You

DATING

Dating-Speak” ™ ©2014: Our Lives of Style authority–Laura Pugliese shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships:

Lives of Style: I had a date with a man who said certain people are “bi-sexual, like me.” If he is, that’s probably not workable for me. Should I believe him? What questions should I ask?

Laura: Since I wasn’t there to hear the preceding comments or to see his facial expression and body language it’s difficult for me to assess that isolated statement whether or not he was he was in fact informing you that he was bi-sexual or intending it as attention grabbing humor. Considering the strength of importance of the matter if he is bi-sexual I suggest you ask him about it in a respectful manner the next time he contacts you and asks you out on a date.

You can say, “There is something you said to me the last time we went out that I have a question about. Is now a good time for you to talk about it?” Wait for him to say “yes,” then you can say, “You said “Some people are bi-sexual, like me. With all due respect you have every right to be whatever you want. It just wasn’t clear to me if you were being serious or just joking. Are you bi-sexual?”

Lives of Style: What can I say to a man I met online who wants to meet me, but is not willing to speak before meeting, which is one of my prerequisites?

Laura: You can say, “I am very opening to meeting you, but I do feel most comfortable speaking on the phone at least one time before meeting someone new. It’s important to me, and respectfully I hope you can understand that. What are your thoughts about us speaking first? If you want to do that my phone number is (insert phone number).

This way he has the choice to respond to you with what he thinks about it, or he can call you.  If he chooses not to respond or call, then think about how it would feel to you to go out with a man that refuses to speak to you first. It’s a fair request to want to speak first, and you have every right to have that as a non negotiable. You may loose some here and there, but the guy who is the right one for you would most likely be willing to speak to you first.

Lives of Style: My husband is sloppy, sloppy, sloppy. I’ve tried to get him to help clean and pick up his clothes, but he keeps saying I’m bullying him. I’ve used the words, “You have the right….” but they don’t work. Help! What can I say to get him to move?

Laura: Your husband probably did not become sloppy overnight, so I am going to presume you married him that way. It doesn’t sound like it bothers him that he’s messy, but it clearly bothers you. This is a challenging issue because you are both adults with wants and needs and clearly have different habits and comforts formed around how you live. You can do your best to talk to him, but at the same time it would be in your best interest to accept that he is probably never going to be as neat as you are.

With that in mind you can say, “I want to talk to you about some uncomfortable feelings I am having. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say “yes,” then you can say, “I know I have brought the issue up before about being frustrated that you are messy, and I know that it’s frustrating for you to hear about it. I want you to know that it is not at all my intention to bully you into doing what I want. I am just having a really hard time with the messiness, and it makes it hard for me to relax and feel comfortable. It turns me off, and it scares me to keep feeling that way. I don’t know what the best solution is that would work for both of us, but I do want to do my best to help us do better. What are your thoughts about the feelings I am sharing with you, and do you have any suggestions on how to resolve this?”

Lives of Style: Men I’ve met in person after we’ve dialogued online always ask me why I’m online, since I’m pretty–as if there is stigma to being online and it’s something only losers do. How can I respond?

Laura: You can say, “I know that I am ready and wanting to meet that one special person that I can have a great connection and long lasting relationship with, so I am using every avenue possible to get in touch with that person.” Since it is coming up repeatedly you may want to put that statement on your profile.

Lives of Style: My boyfriend’s birthday is coming up, and I want to throw a party for him (we’ve been together for a year) and invite some of his friends and my friends, but the problem is, I don’t like a few of his beer-swilling buddies and they’re rude to me. How can I say this to my boyfriend so that we don’t have to have them at the party? Can I just not invite them?

Laura: The party is for your boyfriend, not for you, so I suggest you invite the beer-swilling buddies for his sake. Handle the invites through email. Be cordial when you greet them at the party, and then go about your business. You don’t have to like or approve of all the people in your boyfriend’s life, but you should respect and accept his right to have them in his life. Are they just immature, annoying, and not the friendliest to you? In that case I suggest you let it be.

If there are specific incidences that are real deal breakers for you to be around them, then you should speak up. Such incidents would be them hitting on you, you witnessing them calling you names, etc. If any of them cross over the line by hitting on you or say crude things to or about you, then you should talk with your boyfriend about it whether or not there is a party invitation to extend in the end. You will need to be very specific about exactly what was said, when and by whom.

While Laura may not be able to email each of you individually, she will answer select questions.

Remember, log onto http://www.livesofstyle.com/the_last_word/ and email Laura at Laura@livesofstyle.com
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