Date Smart this Fourth of July

Couple watching fireworks

Dating-Speak” ™ ©2014: Our Lives of Style authorityLaura Pugliese shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships:

Lives of Style: I have been having the best conversations with a man who I met online and I really like him. The problem is that I just met him and he’s 5’4” and I’m 5’8” and I don’t know if I want to be with a shorter man. I like wearing heels and feeling feminine and I felt so big compared to him. What can I say to him, if anything?

Laura: I don’t think there is anything to say to him at this point in time. He has absolutely no control over his height. Since you have great conversations and you really like him continue to go out with him when he asks. Give yourself time to see if the connection grows enough to make the height difference not seem important before you pull the plug.

Lives of Style: My boyfriend’s family is having a really hard time right now but I don’t know all the details. My man just tells me that terrible things are happening but isn’t telling me what they are. How can I ask him to let me know what’s going on without seeming too pushy?

Laura: Your boyfriend may a more private person, may not think it’s appropriate to reveal his family’s business or just may not be ready to talk to you about it. Be respectful and don’t try to pry it out of him. In order to show that you care and are interested in supporting him you can say, “I know there are many challenges going on with your family. I want you to know that I am open to hearing more details about what’s going on if and when you choose to share more with me, however I respect your right to choose not to talk to me about it if you don’t want to. What are your thoughts?”

Lives of Style: I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for three years and we’ve talked about marriage but he says he’s not ready yet. I’m getting tired of waiting. I recently met a man through work who asked me out. I told him I had a boyfriend and he said he just wants to get to know me and take me to lunch. What should I tell my boyfriend because if he doesn’t want to move forward I want to go out with this other guy?

Laura: Three years is a long time, and it should be plenty of time to know if you want to marry someone. If you know that what you really want is to be married, and your boyfriend is still on the fence–then it’s in your best interest to talk to him and be very honest. You can say, “I want to talk to you about our relationship. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “yes,” or wait until he says it’s a good time to have the talk. Then you can say, “In the past when we have talked about marriage– you said you weren’t ready to take the next step, and you have every right to not want to do that. I have been thinking about it a lot, and I know that I do feel ready to take that next step. I want to ask you now if you think you are ready or will be ready soon. Respectfully if your answer is “no” , then it would feel best to me to be free to date other people in order to find someone who does want to work towards getting married. What are your thoughts about all that I am sharing with you?”

Lives of Style: I was out with my fiance and we double dated with one of his friends. I noticed that the wife of my fiance’s friend was hitting on my fiance. She rubbed his head and mentioned how cute he looked with his stubble. I was shocked and didn’t know what to do. What could I say in the future because I’m sure we will see them again?

Laura: I don’t think it’s best for you to confront this woman. She is the wife of your fiance’s friend, and it’s sticky. Go to your fiancé and share your feelings. See what his thoughts are. It happened to him, so he is the one who should figure out how to deal with it. Keep in mind how awkward of a situation he is in since she is his friend’s wife. He may not want to make a big deal about it and risk embarrassing his friend. I didn’t read that your fiancé did anything that upset you in the transaction, which is a very good thing. The most important thing to remember is as long as your fiancé was and is being appropriate, then it’s not an issue of his trustworthiness. Obviously that woman has some boundary issues to have been flirting so blatantly with your fiancé while in the company of you and her own husband.

With all of that in mind you can say to your fiancé, “I want to talk to you about something that felt sensitive to me. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “yes,” then you can say, “I want you to know that I know you had no control over the inappropriate way (insert name) acted, but I do want to share with you that it was very uncomfortable for me when she was rubbing your head and telling you how cute you looked with stubble. What are your thoughts about her doing that, and do you have any ideas on how to avoid that in the future?”

Lives of Style: I’m so over my fiance. I took care of him when he was sick and nursed him at the hospital and afterward. I just got sick and he was nowhere to be found. I needed some help and had to ask my friends. I’m second guessing marriage because I couldn’t believe he was not there for me. How do I tell him how pissed I am at him?

Laura: Not everyone thinks the same way or responds the same way in a given circumstance, so it is very important to talk to your fiancé and tell him what would feel best to you under those circumstances in the future. You can say, “I want to talk to you about something that feels sensitive to me and is very important to me for you to know about me. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “yes,” and then you can say, “I realize we haven’t discussed our views on what to do when it comes to one of us being sick, and I want to talk to you about it now. When you were sick I instinctively felt compelled to take care of you. When I was sick I noticed that you did not offer to take care of me. You had every right not to help me, but it really didn’t feel good to me. What I learned from that experience is that it is important to me that I can ask the person I am going to marry to help take care of me in my times of need, and I want my partner to know that he can ask me to do the same. What are your thoughts about us making an agreement to help each other when asked in our times of need.

In making such agreements it is best that the agreement is that you FIRST communicate to your partner when in fact you want and need their help in order to avoid expecting them to read your mind. It’s not fair to treat it like “He/She should just know what I want without me having to say anything.” Sometimes your partner may surprise you and do what you want–how and when you want– without you first communicating it to them, but please do not hold them to such an expectation because it is simply not fair.

While Laura may not be able to email each of you individually, she will answer select questions.

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