Staying Feminine in Your Relationships


Dating-Speak” ™ ©2014: Our Lives of Style authorityLaura Pugliese shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships:

Lives of Style: A man who I met out at a bar emailed me to ask me to attend an event where he will be working. I have other plans that night but it also doesn’t seem like he is asking me out on a date. What can I write to him to flush him out?

Laura: You can say, “It was great meeting you! Thank you so much for the invitation to your event. I already have a prior commitment for that evening, so unfortunately I won’t be able to make it. :-( I would love a rain check to get together another time. If you want to do that please feel free to call me. My phone number is (Insert your phone number) :-) (And insert your name).”

Lives of Style: I keep running into a colleague who flirts with me all the time. He is always smiling at me and paying me compliments. I know that he isn’t in a relationship, but he hasn’t ever asked me out. How can I get the ball rolling and encourage him to ask me out?

Laura: This is a good situation in which to ask for him to be your escort, as long as you are willing to take the risk that he could say, “No”. Find an event, movie, or something that you are invited to which requires a date. Then say to him, “I want to ask you something. Is that okay?” Wait for him to say, “Yes,” then you can say, “I have a (insert what the event is) I want to go to, and I don’t have anyone to escort me. Will you be my escort for it?”

Lives of Style: I went out with a man who said that he always goes from one relationship to another. Yuck! I didn’t want to say that I am looking for marriage because I didn’t want to seem pushy but I don’t know if I ever want to see him again because I don’t want to date a commitment phobe. He called me to ask me out so what can I say to him?

Laura: There are many people who go from one relationship to another without much pause. Some people treat dating to find the right relationship like interviewing for a job. They keep at it until they find the right fit. It does sound like he can make the commitment to be in the relationship, but it is unclear as to what the reasons are that the relationships don’t work out. Without further information the reasons could be a red flag for making a full commitment, or it could be as simple as he has not found the partner who is the right fit to marry. The only way to find out more information is to take the risk and get to know him better by spending time and communicating with him. I suggest you accept another date with him and ask him to elaborate on what he previously stated about going from one relationship to another.

You can say, “I want to ask you about something you said on out last date that I didn’t fully understand. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes,” then you can say, “You mentioned that you always go from one relationship to another. I wasn’t sure exactly how you meant that, and I don’t want to make presumptions–so I wanted to ask you about it. Do you think it is because you are looking for the right person and haven’t found her yet, or do you know that you just don’t want to be fully committed to one person long term?”

Lives of Style: I’ve been dating a man for five months and we’ve been exclusive for two of the five months and we’ve only seen each other about eight times. I mentioned that I needed more time together so that we can get to know each other but nothing has changed. How can I convince him to up our time together?

Laura: I don’t know for sure if you can convince him to give you more time because I don’t know what his reasons are for not spending more time together. What I can do is give you some words to express yourself to see if it inspires him to give you what you want once he understands how you feel. Please keep in mind that whenever you ask for more, better, or a different quality of time than the man you are dating is choosing to give you it comes with the risk of not getting what you want.

When you are ready to take the risk you can say, “I want to talk with you about something that’s important to me. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes,” then you can say, “It feels good to me that we became exclusive, and I have enjoyed the time we have spent together. Recently I have realized that it doesn’t feel good to me that we don’t spend more time together. I want to be honest with you and share with you that it is important and would feel best to me if we could see each other more often. What are your thoughts about the feelings I am sharing with you, and what do you think about us committing to see each other more often?”

Listen to what he has to say, and the check in with yourself to see how what he says feels to you.

Lives of Style: Ugh! I dated a man very intensely over a short period of time who had protestations about us being soul mates and we connected very deeply on every level. Then he dropped out of site until recently when I saw him at an event where he was with another date. Painful! He tried to signal a hello but I turned away because he rejected me earlier and I didn’t have it in me to respond. What should I do if I see him again in town? Can I just ignore him since I don’t want a friendship?

Laura: You certainly can ignore him if that’s what you choose to do, but I believe your desire to ignore him when he said hello indicates that you are responding from a bruised ego, and I don’t think that is in your best interest. We have no idea what has transpired between your dates with him and now. His reasons for not asking you out again could be anywhere from the fact that he was busy, not ready for a full commitment, or he met someone else that he thought was a better fit.

The bottom line is that we really don’t know what is going on with him. What we do know is that when this man was faced with seeing you while he was out with another woman he made the choice to be a gentleman and acknowledge you. He did not reject you in that moment, however your response was to reject him.

What if you would have responded by smiling and waving back? That might have even inspired him to contact you again. At the very least it would have left a peaceful energy between you two.
All I ask is that you be honest with yourself. Do you truly feel okay about ignoring him, or is it bothering you inside? If it’s not bothering you inside, and it truly feels best to you to ignore him, then feel free to do that the next time you see him.

However, if it were not bothering you at all you probably wouldn’t be writng to me about it. It’s completely up to you, but I think ignoring him keeps you holding onto some negative energy. From my experience doing that is usually followed by attracting someone who will bring you another transaction to give you the opportunity to get that through the same lesson.

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