Smoothing the Way in Conversation


Dating-Speak” ™ ©2014: Our Lives of Style authorityLaura Pugliese shares must-know dating “Do’s and Don’ts” that will help you find success in your relationships:

Lives of Style: Who is right, my husband or me? He says that if a woman doesn’t say, “Please take my coat,” that a gentleman doesn’t need to help her. He also says that women should speak up and tell the men in their lives what they want, because men are not mind readers. I think simple courtesy would be nice without explaining everything and asking for help each time. So who’s correct?

Laura: Ahh!! I think you absolutely have every right to want to be cherished in a way that feels good to you, and your husband also has every right to think that women should speak up about what they want. One of the main things I teach is to COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER, and DO NOT EXPECT THEM TO MIND READ YOU!!

Your brain and experience tell you that these things are simple courtesy, but your husband’s brain and experience is different than yours. That’s the reason we need to articulate and communicate.

Add in that woman today can be very confusing for men and imagine how many times men go scratching their heads trying to figure out what to do. Yes, some woman (feminine energy based woman) love the chivalrous gentleman who leads, (I happen to be one of those women myself) and some woman today (masculine energy based woman) have the “I can do everything for myself and don’t need a man to do things for me” through process. The masculine energy based women tend to compete with a man who is masculine energy based, and that has high risks of fighting (over who wears the pants) and that can dull the sexual chemistry.

With that in mind here is what I suggest you say to your husband, “I have been thinking about some of the things we have talked about. I want to share my feelings and thoughts with you, and then hear your thoughts. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to say, “Yes,” then you can say, “I realize that you are right, and the best way for you to know what feels best to me is for me to tell you. It wouldn’t be fair to you for me to expect you to read my mind, and I know I don’t want the burden of having to read yours. I want you to know that I really love all of the chivalrous actions such as you opening my car door, pulling out my chair, and helping me with my coat, and I would love it if you would initiate those things with the knowledge that I want those things whenever possible. I will also do my best to be specific and communicate my other wants to you, and not expect you to read my mind. I also want you to tell me your thoughts and wants as you have them. What are your thoughts?”

Lives of Style: I’m jealous of my sister. She seems so at ease at parties and is always around men, and I swear she flirts with my husband every now and then, just to prove she can. How can I talk to her about this. I don’t like it.

Laura: It sounds like your sister may be naturally more extroverted with a flirtier disposition than you. People who are somewhat introverted, (which I suspect you may be) tend to me a little bit more reserved and pensive about when and how they exude their energy. It doesn’t make one way right and another way wrong, but it can feel a little overwhelming for the person who is rather introverted.

Since you are married you shouldn’t let it bother you that your sister is outgoing and flirty with men in general, however if you feel uncomfortable with the way she interacts with your husband–I think it is a good idea to have a talk with her so as not to harbor resentment towards her for doing something that she may not have any idea is upsetting to you.

You can say, “I want to talk with you about something that feels sensitive to me and may be uncomfortable for you to hear. Is now a good time?” Wait for her to say, “Yes,” then you can say, “I recognize that you and I have different ways of relating to people. You tend to be more outgoing and flirty than I am. You have every right to be however you want, and I do respect that. There is something that’s upsetting to me. Although I don’t think you have any intentions to cause me discomfort, sometimes it appears to me that you are being flirtatious with my husband. That doesn’t feel good to me, and I wanted to talk with you about it. How do you feel about what I am sharing with you?”

Lives of Style:  I’m having an eighth date with a man who I like–and who keeps asking me out–but who has NOT MADE ANY MOVES on me. He holds my hands and gives me a hug at the end of dates, but that’s it. Can I say something to him?

Laura: He may be a gentleman who is reserved and chooses to take it very slow. There have been enough dates where you both should know if you feel chemistry. It is understandable that you would want to know if this man is interested in you romantically for a possible relationship, or if he just likes to take you out as an attractive companion. The next time he asks you out you can say, “Thank you! I would love to, as I always enjoy our dates. Speaking of which there is something on my mind that I want to ask you about. Is now a good time?” Wait for him to respond with, “Yes”, then you can say, “I appreciate what a gentleman you are and how nicely you treat me. I want to share with you that I am attracted to you, but I feel perplexed and don’t know if you are attracted to me and interested in me romantically. It would feel best to me to know if you are or not. What are your thoughts?”

Lives of Style: I go out clubbing with my girlfriends and we ultimately end up in a circle speaking with each other, instead of meeting men. How can I tell my “buds” that it would be nice to spread out and mix and mingle?

Laura: I think it is a good idea to communicate with your girlfriends to see if some or all of them are up for going out to meet and mingle with men. Write up a group email that states, “Hi girls! I have been doing some thinking, and I want to share some feelings and thoughts. I love hanging out with all of you, but I realize that I am not focusing any energy on meeting men to potentially date. I always thought it would just happen when we all go out together, but we just all end up in a circle chatting with each other. It’s really important to me to make it a priority to meet men when I go out because I want to be in a relationship. How do you all feel about what I am sharing with you, and who is interested in planning nights out together where we agree to make meeting men a priority?”

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